differend
differend
for lenny yorke
August 31, 1962 - November 15, 2008)
there is no non-phrase
silence is a phrase
there is no last phrase
- jean francois lyotard
_______________________________
today, I am not a poet
for missin’ words
to describe the ways I miss
him
so here is the poem
each time another passes
a gaping hole is left
i have outlived too many
of my own angels
thick and brown with care
like molasses
if unable to hold wings together
the memories stick
and i am among the sweet who remain
delighting in the beautiful way
memories haunt
when angels fly back into sky
and flesh becomes dust
conversations and secrets
whispered to myself
he held
now… gone
Orion cries
stars blink clearer tonight
are the remains of whatever we were
illuminate the absence of language
to describe
this absence
the flood-rush of all this pain
i fear feeling
feeling is not my friend
the friends who truly “get me”
who make no apology for synchronicity
of smile or flirtation
keep leavin’ me …
alone
safety being too rare a luxury
in the world
i need to re-shield
for my own protection
for the loss of my soul brotha
who held a mirror to parts of me
in his eyes
so i fear
i will never look
as beautifully shameless
bare and broken
all of me delicately held together
with bruise and sweat
again
and each time i receive
news that a part of me has died
i am left a little less
and a little more
human
less for the ways I refuse to recover
more for all the ways I’ll try anyhow
tongue too numb to sing my own lullaby
hands failing to write
neuropathy beyond fingertips
blockage of tear ducts
eyes repress
the undescribably hollow reality
of the savior I can no longer call
except to pray
and know
he is evidence of God
when family and friends
rebuke me
today
unsure ’bout what to feel
except to know what it means
to lose someone
irreplaceable
again
i may break
become the brave soul
he knew and loved
but today I am frail and afraid
I am not quite me
for missin’ him
and perhaps
all the more myself
without words
if able to conjure hope
try if failing to cry
today, I am not a poet
for missin’ words
to describe the ways I miss
him
so here is the poem
November 18th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
tim’m…
i have no words.. only love and care. i cried when i read this because i remember feeling this many times. i know that doesn’t really help, it just reiterates your poems meaning in that you cant express how you feel. but thank you for being the brave soul that you are and still attempts the impossible. and i just wish that i was able to do what you are. maybe i should try.. thanks for inspiring me.