first fall? it was Fall . sensed his longing 4 blocks away from West 4th. sensed it 200 ticks and passersby between the ruse of love that I got got by before and his eyes: honest, pure, safe as a first honeysuckle on the tip of my tongue. I actualized him for all the bumping and stumbling i’d done with those who loved me but did not love me well. I needed him to be so he became. First Love? Soul Mate? Where i fell was a shadow, but it took shape and this man, thick SC swagger with NJ bohemian flair, held it well. He held me best when we danced together: Hubert and Hudson and a Sheltor for whatever in life morphed clouds into something stormy. And to be sure, making love was a dance: Teja Seville, Incognito, and Phyllis Hyman crooned us candlelight where there was none. And there, in the damp of possibility, we untwisted each others’ locs….hands in thick of nap, while our tongues unknotted the passionfruit held there. He became my sunshine and I his moonlight. Like a mother, I could sense his pain and call; just to have him fake like there was none at all (and vice versa). We both knew better. He let me pretend to be stronger and weaker than i was, because in the continuum between I was always already alright… as long as his heart held a beat for me… and it did, until Nov. 1, 2006 when I lost him until i join him again. RIP CC. I sometimes wonder if I will ever fall this way again. I miss him: calling him, wanting him (again), loving him regardless of whomever else was trying. I once told him that if I fell the right way, that i wouldn’t know the difference and would be proud to share such a love with one who taught me what it meant for it to feel perfectly imperfect. And someday I will again… and I’ll say a prayer to thank him for catching my first fall; helping me believe I could do it over and again, until i fall into the forever that he left me for.
