i don’t know what he did
beyond smile
but I’m stuck now
finger flippin through the index of
there’ll never be another for me
to imagine the brilliant possibility
not of a lifetime
for we have lived
before there was any we
just the next time
there’ll be a next time
to be in his company

cuz, i’ve learned, loved, and lost
enough to know
to count blessings in single digits
so today
i’m smiling brighter
because I believe he is
today
i’m falling cuz i feel like it
feel like I got wingspan enough
to catch myself
and because I’d lose points with him
if I didn’t

i have no explaination
for the way time works
the perfect timing of floodgates opening
just when I’ve become man enough to cry
and sometimes this current joy is such that
I have no other option:
grab the pillows
hold them against my beating heart
and dream that this feeling will stay
and him too

such sweet syncopation
like the undiscovered harmonies we find
in songs we sentimentally share
that all the sudden sound different
such easy listening
and perhaps the greatest joy we’ve known
is waiting for our courage to be shown
so I’m here
chest stuck out
willing to go to war
in order to keep feeling
this feeling
this brilliant possibility

so check it…
i’ll continue to bask in the glow
of this gem I’ve found
til it loses it’s shine
even then I’ll spit shine and refine
for time is the good counsel of wine
and I’ve willed this joy in heart and mind
during heart-hurts and romantic decline
when I could not find the will to be kind
especially to myself
so unready for the good loving
of anyone else

but that was yesterday
and today,
i’ll remind this man in whatever ways i can
that this is worth the wait,
these perfect imperfections
piecing this puzzle together
and i’ll continue to remind myself
that this feels so good
because I’ve longed for it so
because my eyes long for tears of joy
because they river down my face
and the pain, the wait, make sense
the hurt, the loneliness I remember
so that I can forget it
all the sudden, make sense

and if in just a few short days
his smile can make me brave enough to say
I wanna be stronger than past pain
stripped down and bare
unscripted and adoring like anyone who sees
these eyes on him
then it is nothing short of a miracle
that has patiently been waiting
for the right time
to reveal itself to me
no, I am no longer afraid to see
this brilliant possibility

(for zaki, aunt everlean, ivah, marcus and countless others)

i pray that we remember
the lessons we were taught by healers
when the time comes
for them to be healed

for I know black womyn
so fierce in their loving
that it burdens the body
the excesses of their love
bleed beyond their poetry
beyond the kitchen scents they conjure up
beyond the hugging they do with eyes
like when they start to miss you
before you leave

so i am saying a prayer
for these womyn who weep sometimes in silence
that some of the courage they’ll need
to get past these uncertain diagnoses
these little lumps
that threaten to spread
that lurk like doubt does in our heads
until carved out
when we sometimes
have to carve out space
between the rock and hard space
i pray our prayers will be enough
to heal healers.

yes, I hope for the leap of faith
that those who love the healers must take
to get beyond these hurdles
be strong for womyn who’ve shown
nothing but strength
then we can grant them permission to be
scared, weak, afriad
because we are stong enough
not to be
for their sake
because we believe in miracles
blessed as holy water
sacred as olive oil
on pentecostal foreheads
because we were taught well by womyn
who dare to envision our safety
so fiercely
they make it so

yes, i pray that we remember
the lessons we were taught by healers
when the time comes
for them to be healed